I feel like I’ve been a bit slow on the uptake this month. RL has been rearing its ugly head… but not necessarily in all bad ways? The issue with my leg is still a mystery, and I’m not really sure when we’ll get it sorted out. In the meantime, I’ve not really been able to enjoy summer or wear most of my shoes… but it’s too hot for that mess anyway. In light of that, I took Nova to the virtual beach! Because why not, right?
I am house hunting in real life. Most of you don’t know this, but it’s been a helluva journey to even get here. I’ve gone on several mini (and not so mini) rants about my mom’s abusive ex and some of the things he did because he was a narcicistic douchecanoe with no respect for anyone but himself. One of the things he liked to do is open accounts up in our names. Cutting us off from family and friends wasn’t enough, see. Financial ruin had to be a factor too. I hear so many people ask my mother and other domestic violence survivors why they simply didn’t “just leave” and… well… first of all, I could write an entire dissertation about the apparent misconception that that’s easy, but… one of the big ones, without going into that, is lack of funds to do so. When you don’t have money and your credit is destroyed, you can’t even rent a working car, much less safely escape an abuser and start a whole new life from scratch.
…And that’s all I’ll say about that. Needless to say, my credit was in the can following my life crossing paths with my mother’s abuser. I didn’t want to file bankruptcy. That seems like the easiest route, I suppose, but I’m not even thirty-five yet. And while it’s an option, it comes with its own issues. How, for example, to report all my debts when really I have no idea what they are. So I resolved I’d handle it myself, piece by piece – dispute what I could, pay off what I needed to pay off, and make a plan for myself. Financially, I felt like the world had caved in, but I also knew that if I admitted defeat and let the whole situation get the best of me, I’d never really get to do some of the things I wanted with my life. I’d just be… stuck. So for the past almost seven years, I’ve been chipping away at this mess in hopes of coming out okay on the other side.
And recently, I raised my score enough to do one of the things I’ve always wanted to do: buy a house of my own. There’s so many reasons why this is important. Family, for one. Freedom. That feeling that I’ve “made it” in some way as far as adulting goes. But mostly… it’s just the fact that this home will be my home. It’s not someone else’s that I’ll be occupying space in, or paying rent on. It’s a place where I’ll owe not a single person an explanation or a fee for anything, where I can do what I want and make it want I want and be proud to invite my family over.
I am both excited and terrified by this process, and so far I’ve found “this might be THE one” and “oh honey, these are definitely not it.” I’ve got a couple more to look at this weekend, and then I’m going to let it all stew… which, as it turns out, is difficult in the current housing climate. I’d say here that libras are notoriously bad decision-makers, but the truth is the scary part isn’t making the decision, it’s making the wrong decision. I figure at some point, I’m just going to know, and until then, well… I guess we’ll see. Still, I’m ridiculously proud of myself. I don’t even think I’ve adequately put into words how wonderful (and yeah, a little scary) this all is to me.
[Skin][Eudora Beauty]Amber (Medium)
[Brows][A R T E]Rebel Eyebrow
[Lips][Top1 Salon]Satin Lips
[Top][Vinyl @ Uber]Sweet Cherry Sweater
[Panties][Vinyl @ Uber] Warrant Bikini Panties
[Tune][Florida Georgia Line ft. Luke Bryan – This is How We Roll]