232. How to… reach for the stars.

The last couple days, I’ve had a hell of a time sleeping. The thing is, I think I think the hard part hasn’t been dealing with the loss of my friend. In many ways, those of us who knew him also knew this day was coming. He was an amazing man and he’d been fighting for so long, but we all knew. He knew.

So it’s not that. As much as I wasn’t prepared for the news as much as I thought I’d be, as much as it still hurt, it’s more the weight of what that loss brings along with it. It’s that unsettling knowledge that after almost ten years of friendship and more, I’ll never get another late-night message, or hear him laugh at something silly, or hear that tone in his voice when he thinks I’m doing something stupid, or anything else for that matter. It’s the knowledge that my friend, my “sister” for so long, is dealing with her own immeasurable grief, and I don’t know what to do to help her right now. It’s all those little things that really aren’t so little… and I hate it. I hate it.

But he was a fighter, you know? He was a fighter, and that was one thing he always instilled in me and others, I’m sure, was never to just lay down and accept things as they are. He pushed for me to be better, to do better, and to love myself enough to recognize that I deserved nothing less. I’ve tried to carry that into everything that I do. To give the best of myself and be the best version of myself.

Last night, I was finally able to get some decent sleep, but it’s been heavy on my mind. I will miss those late night chats. I’ll miss so much, and I wish there was more I could do for others like me who knew him and are dealing with their own grief right now.

When another friend of mine died a couple years ago and Leylan stayed up with me, there was something else he shared that night that, in so many ways, made me feel a little better. Maybe it can help others, too.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep by Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. I am in a thousand winds that blow, I am the softly falling snow. I am the gentle showers of rain, I am the fields of ripening grain. I am in the morning hush, I am in the graceful rush Of beautiful birds in circling flight, I am the starshine of the night. I am in the flowers that bloom, I am in a quiet room. I am in the birds that sing, I am in each lovely thing. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there. I do not die.

The thing is, the people that we’ve loved and lost… I don’t think they’re ever really gone because we carry them with us and keep them alive in our hearts. And that’s what I am going to do. I am going to hug my loved ones a little tighter, and tell the people that I love how much I love them every chance I get. I am going to keep fighting, and keep growing, and keep reaching for the stars, and I am going to carry all of that with me because that’s important.

Credits:

[Shape]mine
[Head][LeLUTKA]Gaia
[Body][The Shops]Legacy Mesh Body Special Edition (1.3)
[Skin/Head][avarosa] @ Collabor88]Bella (Rosekiss)
[Skin/Body][Velour]Ipanema Body for Legacy (Rosekiss)
[Eyes][Izzie’s @ The Fifty]Closed Eyes (Eyeshadow)
[Hair][Truth @ The Fifty]Monsoon (blondes)
[Dress][Capsule by DaD @ Collabor88]Ava Dress (Adult – strippable)

[Backdrop][Foxcity]Dreamer
[Pose][KOPFKINO]Dreaming (mirror) (edited with animare)

[Tune][Mandy Moore – Only Hope]