223. How to… survive the dark stuff.

‘Tis the season, y’all.

First of all, I know it’s been almost a month since I’ve updated my blog. Sorry I suck. It’s been a bit busy in the real world and things have been hectic, to say the least. I’ve been dealing with doctors and medical stuff and everything in between. And… I close on my house on Monday. Finally. That has been a whole ordeal in and of itself, which would probably take more time than any of us have to day in order to explain, but it’s happening.

And of course, because it’s that time of year, so hath the family drama started.

This is going to sound awful, but I hate the holidays with my family. I love them. Don’t get me wrong, but the holidays are always a difficult time filled with much anxiety and stress. My entire family is coming up this year, and that’s just going to make things even more ridiculous. See, every year, my step-mom likes to goad my mom into frustration. My brothers get frustrated because they come up and everyone seems to want their time. Emotions are always high and I gave up long ago actually trying to enjoy this time of year because at any given time I’m dealing with my mom being upset over my step-mom doing underhanded things she isn’t allowed to complain about because my brothers will treat her like the bad guy, my dad trying to monopolize everyone’s time even though he literally has almost zero to do with us the rest of the year, and all of the back and forth chaos that inevitably ensues.

From just before Thanksgiving until after Christmas, I am a ball of anxiety ready to burst at the seams, because I usually get dragged right into the middle of it whether I want to be or not. In fact, my step-mom even brought my name up this morning when she called my mom. Whose phone number she isn’t supposed to have anyway. It’s just one more thing to hold over her head and try to upset her with, but no one seems to care that we’re stuck in the middle. Why? Because most of them are still stuck on things that happened or didn’t happen twenty years ago.

I have decided I simply don’t care anymore. My new house is in the same city as most of my family, but I recognize I won’t see them much, and as callous as it sounds, that doesn’t bother me. Certain members of my family have spent my entire life trying to create drama in some form or another – sometimes manifesting it out of thin air – sometimes warranted – and it used to upset me. But I think I’m broken… because I’m to a point where it doesn’t upset me anymore. It’s just irritating. It just makes me want to not be around any of them. And a couple years ago, I would have felt bad about that and carried around an immense amount of guilt because many of those same members of my family have spent most of my life grooming me to understand that their love was conditional. It was based on whether or not I was doing well, or whether or not I was making choices they agreed with, or whether or not they liked my career choice, or my hair cut, or my weight, or whether or not I “went to bat” for them in the most recent family drama. And stupid me, I would bend over backwards, and fight tooth and nail to be that person, or do that thing to prove that I was deserving of some sort of acknowledgement from them. I did it for years.

And that… is dumb as hell. It’s not fair. And at this point in my life, I am allowed to say that, and I am allowed to be frustrated, and I think I’m more than allowed to feel the way I feel. And that’s just how it has to be sometimes. I want my happiness, and I deserve that. I don’t care who my brothers are staying with over the holidays. I don’t want a bunch of people coming in and out of my house. Do I think it’s a little fucked up they play favorites on the holidays when they know it creates drama? Sure do. But I also don’t care. I don’t care anymore because I don’t have to be a part of it anymore. As of Monday, I’ll have my own house. A house that I own. And I’ll be able to tell all of them to leave me alone if I need to because that’s what’s best for me. And sometimes, that’s just what you have to do. Sometimes, when the darkness in your life gets to be too much, you have to turn on the light, lock the damn door, grab your favorite book, and tell everyone and everything to shove off.

Is it easy? Nope. But you’ll feel a lot better for it once you get past that part.

Credits:

[Shape]mine
[Head][LeLUTKA]Gaia
[Body][The Shops]Legacy Mesh Body Special Edition (1.3)
[Skin][Birth]Una
[Lips][Velour]Indecente Lips
[Eyes][Pout!]Heartbreaker Tears
[Earrings][E.D.D.A]Cat Earring
[Hair][Doux]Chill

[Pose][Foxcity]

[Tune][Fleurie – Hurricane]