I have not felt very well the last couple days. It comes in waves, really. I’ll feel fine, and then feel like I’ve been hit by a very large truck. So… it’s been interesting. I think it’s a combination of things, really. The weather, for one. It’s going back and forth like a ping pong ball, which never makes me feel all that great, but there’s other stuff going on, too. I feel like my body is staging its own little revolt, which is kinda funny considering I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled Friday that was made forever ago. Take that, universe. I’m one step ahead of you for once.
And that, ironically, brings me to the point of today’s blog. I’ve struggled a lot over the years with just… being comfortable in my own skin. If you follow me on Facebook, you’ve probably noticed I don’t post a lot of selfies. But this isn’t just a thing about being comfortable with my looks. I struggled with that a lot growing up, too, but I eventually figured out that was something I shouldn’t worry about too much. The other stuff, however? When you’re a chronically ill person, it’s that other stuff that gets under your skin. Not feeling well can affect you in so many ways – physically, emotionally. And as much as I know that there’s not much I can do about it, I find myself struggling sometimes with the urge to withdrawal… or with the urge to hide.
Why? Because when you’re chronically ill, when you have something going on, you start to wonder if it’s not just affecting you. You start to wonder if it’s affecting the people that you love. If complete strangers can see the lie in your eyes when you say you’re fine and you’re really not. You start to wonder if you close your eyes long enough if you could just be someone else, even for a second, and not have to deal with the crap that you have to deal with every day.
But… the thing about that is it’s not going to help anything. It’s not going to make things better. One of the hardest things I learned as an adult was how to be comfortable with the hand I was dealt by the universe. It was learning how to accept me for me, learning how to see myself in a different light, outside of the lens of my own experiences. Learning to find beauty and peace in that person. Learning to love that person. Because if you can’t love and accept the person that you are, you can’t really expect others to love and accept that person, either. If other people can’t truly get to know you – faults and all – how can they learn to love you?
I wrestled with this a lot.
And it was a journey. It still is sometimes… especially when I don’t feel well.
[Tune][Sara Bareilles – Brave]