It’s been a rough week. Or couple of weeks? Sometimes I feel like a broken record when I have to type that out, but c’est la vie, I guess.
So, my computer bit the dust. I am lucky enough that I had money in savings to get a new one, but I lost everything – photos, past blog posts, assignments from school, stuff for work, oh, and all of the new inventory stuff that was supposed to come out in my SL store in the coming weeks, just to name a few things. To top it off, Mom will be on her way to the Cleveland Clinic next week because she has an aneurysm at the base of her brain. I’m glad she got in there because it gives me more confidence about proper treatment than our local and sorry-excuse-for-a hospital, but things have been a little stressful around here, and losing everything I’ve been working on and most of the things that were helping to add that nice bit of distraction just sucks a little bit extra beyond my level of tolerance. Imagine someone gives you a box of chocolates, but then they stand there and insist you eat the chocolates. And then they keep standing there, and because they’re looking at you with that look on your face and they clearly expect you to eat all the chocolates, you keep eating, even though you know you’re too full and it’s too sweet, and even though you’ve reached a point you never thought you’d reach when you were a child. It’s too much chocolate, but you eat it all, and you force that last piece in because that person is just standing there waiting for you to finish it and tell them how wonderful it is. So you do, even though you know you’re going to be paying for it later.
That’s kind of where my headspace is right now. And then, to add insult to injury, when I got my new computer, I forgot that Firestorm had done that update that completely changes the way the windlight system operates, so not only did I have to redownload all of those, but I’ve been terrified to post photos because I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I’ve had to have the “I don’t have your photos anymore” conversation with three different people this week, the “I’m sorry this isn’t ready” conversation once, and a few others that have just left me scratching my head as though my absence of a few days threw everything into some sort of Twilight Zone and I just missed the bus or something because I wasn’t around.
There’s a few people that make logging into SL worth it, and a few things that bring my heart joy, and I’m trying to focus on that so that I don’t focus on this feeling that I’m constantly one step behind where I should be and one inside joke away from truly “getting it.” And the thing about that is, I know it. And I’ve also learned over the years that at times like this, it’s important to focus on the good stuff, however few and far between it seems, and on the good people, because they’re there… and the best ones always will be. In that, I know I am one of the most lucky people in the world, and I feel that love every single day, and a little bit more on the harder days.
I’ve also learned that I can’t blame myself when life kicks me in the face. That was a hard lesson to learn because I was always kicking myself for letting others down. I hated disappointing people. I still do. But I’ve also grown to realize that some people will never not be disappointed anyway, and that most people are going through their own bag of garbage too.
And so I close my eyes, and I take a deep breath, and I repeat this little mantra:
“Tomorrow will be better.”
And it will be.
I keep telling myself that. And you know what? There are days that it’s true, and there’s going to come a time when it’s true more than once. That’s something to look forward to. Until then, I look forward to silly conversations with the people I love, good music, dance, art, and the bliss that is the weekends. Keep kicking, y’all. And keep smiling. But also… allow yourself to tell people to shove off from time to time when you need to. Whatever it is that’s got you right now… it will get better.
[Body][Signature]Alice v. 2.3
[Lips][Suicidal Unborn]90s glam lipstick
[Eyes][Zibska @ Prime Punk]Neile Eyemakup 14
[Location][Cyberpunk Neo Tokyo]
[Tune][3 Doors Down – It’s Not My Time]