It’s been a long couple days, and I’m so very tired… but at the same time, there’s a few things going on that just have my heart so full I feel like it could burst. I’m loving my new job in real life and it makes me feel like a million bucks to know that I’m catching on, even though I know mistakes will be made and things will need to be fixed. I accepted that when I took the job. Taking a job knowing that you’re going to break something at some point is a leap for sure – but this is software development, so it’s something you always have to be prepared for.
My brother and his family tested negative, so that’s good news. Unfortunately, today just seemed to be one of those days. My mom has asked me several times to talk to my sister-in-law and let her know x or y or z about the stuff for the kids for Christmas, or did I see this post she made, or the new photos she posted of the kids. And the honest and truthful answer to these queries would be, “Well, I can’t. And no, I haven’t.” But that would lead to more questions, and I made a promise to my brother that I wouldn’t spill his business with mom until he was ready to talk to her. But in the meantime, I’m the one covering up the initial falsehood with more little white lies on top, and I hate that. See, I went through this when my mom was in her abusive relationship, and the unfortunate part about it is, I ended up looking like the bad guy because I was trying to keep everyone happy and keep my mom safe at the same time and deal with everything else that I had going on. And it was a lot to carry. And right now, this is just little stuff. Little white lies to cover an omission of the truth so that my brother could handle his own business. But I’m starting to realize that it’s going to pile up just like before, and I’m starting to wonder how long it’s going to be until the proverbial shit hits the fan and I look like the bad guy. Again. I didn’t learn from the last mistake, and that’s the problem, see? It’s not that I omitted the part of the trip where my sister-in-law assaulted me and my brother. It’s not that at all. Because I knew from before what would happen the last time. And I didn’t learn. I didn’t learn because I’m still letting people in my family make me feel bad – whether intentionally or not – when my world view doesn’t align with theirs. I’m trying to put my foot down, but there seems to be this culture that has developed in my family wherein I manage to get overridden no matter how much logic I spew from the hole in my face. I’m constantly volunteered for things. Asked to put my life on hold. Placed in situations I’d rather not be in. And no one seems to care what that does to me. They’re worried about themselves. But you know… that’s my mistake, because I knew better, and yet here I am again.
So how does this tie into Second Life, you might ask?
Well, that bit’s simple at least.
In SL, I think it’s even easier for some people to lie – or artfully hide the truth, in any case. We present what we want others to see, you see. But the issue is that in SL, this seems to be an even bigger problem… perhaps because we all have the luxury of the keyboard between us and the truth. We can say what we want, do what we want – and there are people who will take that to a dark place. They’ll burn the very ground they stand on, hack away at others piece by piece, and then turn around and be surprised when they’re called on it, or sorry when they’re caught. They’ll play the victim, they’ll throw others under the bus. They’ll do literally anything to make their scenario look better than it is. And in the end, some of them will learn from falling on their backsides. And others will continue to do the same thing over and over again.
And that’s the difference. The idea of learning from your mistakes is to not repeat them. When you fall flat on your back, you don’t get back up again and repeat the same action and hope for different results. You don’t continue to do the same thing over and over again. You learn from what you did before, and you do it differently next time. Think about it. You don’t want to be the person perpetuating that kind of a cycle, right? Well, you don’t want to be stuck on the other end of it, either. Because I can tell you from experience that kind of crap is damaging in a whole different way. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone or something on the other side of the screen or someone standing right in front of you. If you make a mistake, own it – because you can’t learn from it until you do. Trust me. As much as I’d like to claim artisan cheeseballs or obscure country music references as my forte, I’m pretty sure this is my area of expertise.
And as much as that sucks, I still find a reason to smile every day… perhaps because I’ve been through the ringer a few times. Case and point? The last couple days have been rough – but I’ve also never had better people in my corner, and I’ve never felt more love and support than I have in the last couple months as I’ve been trying to sort all of that out and get myself to a better place so that the next time I get up, I don’t fall down again – or at least not as hard next time.
I think we’re all fighting our own battles right now, and we’re meant to grow from them in one way or another… but change can be positive or negative, and we have to make the right choices if we want the good stuff to come our way. We have to be willing to get back up and expect that we might fall a few more times, and we have to be willing to address that so that we can turn those things into teachable moments. Otherwise, we’re going to keep falling, and the hole is going to get deeper and deeper. And that’s just no good, is it?
[Head][LeLUTKA]Nova v 2.5
[Skin][[ session ]]Astrid (tone 2)
[Lips][WarPaint]Lip Nectar (set 2)
[Top][[Vinyl @ Uber]Sleepy Crop Tee
[Shorts][[Vinyl @ Uber]Donut Denim Shorts
[Leggings][[Vinyl @ Uber]Jelly Leggings
[Pose][Argrace]Akane Pose 1 *no longer available*
(pose edited w/ Animare system)
[Tune][Eisley – Ten Cent Blues]