I… still feel like crap. It’s a combination of stress from the move, fear over some stuff going on in real life, and just general exhaustion. People are so ugly sometimes, and some of them just take and take and take and take… and there are people like me who will give and give and give until the well is empty, but then we’ll keep trying to give because that little voice in our head tells us that we can’t not give. That’s what we should do. We should keep giving and keep going and keep pushing, and it doesn’t matter that the well is empty and the world is falling apart because at some point, things will even out.
Except sometimes, they just don’t.
The song I used today was actually written by a friend of mine in-world, Marqs DeSade. He’s a live performer, and the other day (or yesterday maybe? I can’t even figure that out) I caught the last couple minutes of his show with the lovely nene and he sang this song, and I’ve always enjoyed it, but that day, it hit me different, and I found myself misty-eyed sitting behind my computer. I had some meeting to attend and as soon as I logged in I had messages from people about where I was or things they needed to give me or things I needed to do, and meanwhile I’m sick and I’m worried sick (which are two different things entirely, mind you), and I’m stressing because literally all I want with my life right now is my own personal space and the ability to cry into my pillow on occasion without having someone worry, because sometimes it’s perfectly okay to fall apart and some people don’t understand that. Definitely not in this house. In this house, my depression diagnosis and any emotion shown beyond “Everything is fine” causes my family to go into helicopter mode (let’s talk about how that feels when I’m already pining away for some personal space), even though I’ve pointed out that all human beings – even the ones who don’t have this diagnosis – exhibit a wide range of emotions that are completely normal, and that I have spent the last 12 years of my life dealing with this and learning how to cope and I just need a minute.
Sometimes, you just need a minute.
Sometimes, things just happen. Learning and accepting that there are things in the world over which you have no control, or that sometimes the shittiest things happen to the most amazing people you’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, or that you can’t fix everything or be everything for everyone is hard. It’s so hard… but sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and work your way through it. Try again another day. Tell yourself tomorrow will be better. Sometimes, there’s no other point to the day beyond recognizing that it sucks and making sure you love yourself through it… or surround yourself with others who will help when it’s hard. I am so glad to have people like that in my life right now, who love me unconditionally even though I imagine I’ve been a pain in the ass lately.
It will get better. It always does.
[Body][Signature]Alice v. 2.1
[Skin][[ session ]]Astrid (tone 2)
[Top][Vinyl @ N21]Empanada Knotted Tee (better photo in later post)
[Pants][Vanilla Bae @ Collabor88]Shannon Leggings
*Please note: try demos. All of these items fit beautifully of course, but colors in this photo have been muted in certain areas for artistic effect in Photoshop.
[Piano + Bench][Pitaya @ Collabor88]Folklore Piano/Bench
[Sheet Music][floor plan]scattered sheet music
[Rug][DRD]Boho backyard rug
[Table][Fancy Decor]Titian Coffee Table
[Books/Table][Apple Fall]Design Books
[Butterfly Wall Decor][DRD]Boho wall – butterflies
[Mirror][DRD]Boho wall – mirror
[Vase/Piano][ARIA]Diedra Amsonia bouquet
[Floor Plant][tarte]boho palm & plant stand
[Frames][tarte]stacked window frames
[Tune][Marqs DeSade – An Unwritten Song]
*Since there’s no recording available of this song, please see Marqs’ Facebook Page or Music Speaks Management for info on his live performances in-world. It’s highly likely you’ll meet me there and come away with a new favorite musician.