#sorrynotsorry for today’s photo guys. This song has been stuck in my head for days… so much so that I have looked up the sheet music so that I can learn it on the piano I’ll be getting for my birthday since my cousin’s didn’t make it through the fire in my aunt’s house. Everyone is okay. The piano and a few things in the basement were the only casualty. But anyway… if you haven’t listened to this song, please, for the love of all that is good in this world, scroll on down and give it a listen. It is literally everything right now.
I’ve been a bit of a mess lately, guys… and I’m pretty aware of that. I think that’s the first step, right? Awareness of the problem? Acceptance? Anyway, I’ve been a mess. This is always a rough time of year anyway, but I think it’s been hitting me harder this year because so much more is going on that is just piling on top of the gray cloud that already exists. I’m alright. I’m just… stressed. And as per the usual, I’ve been trying to deal with a lot of it on my own. Around this time a couple years ago, I lost someone I’d been seeing to cancer. He didn’t even tell me he was sick. He was just there one day and… gone the next. And of course, if you’ve been following along with my blog, you’re probably aware that a former owner of mine is dealing with the C-word again. This is his third go-round if I’m counting properly, and it doesn’t look good. He was going in for surgery at the end of July, and I haven’t heard anything yet. While I’m aware it’s only been a few days and I’ve been through enough surgeries to know that recovery is a bitch, I still feel as though I’m sitting on pins and needles waiting for that text that says, “hey Sunshine, I’m doing good. How are you?” And earlier this week, mom’s doc called to tell her that all her scans look normal except that there’s some spots on her lungs (my grandma died of lung cancer in 2008), but “let’s focus on this other stuff right now,” and a friend of mine who is a trans man landed himself in the hospital after a (thankfully) failed suicide attempt. I’m at that point where I’m struggling with what to do to keep everything together and be a good friend and a good daughter and a patient person and also do what is best for me, and I feel like doing all of those things at once may be impossible right now. And of course that just makes everything feel worse.
My niece is still here, my aunt came by tonight, and my grandparents will be here Saturday. What I’d like to do is scream into a pillow and have a good cry, but I literally don’t even have the personal space I need to do that yet. If nothing else implodes in Nova!land, I should be (finally) moving at the end of the month, and while I am more excited than I can put into words, life has taught me that I should know better than to be too excited, because someone always seems to be waiting to throw the second shoe at my head.
Here it is though, guys: Stuff is bad. Stuff just gets bad sometimes. It gets hard. But the difference between me now and me even a few short months ago is that I recognize that I have people around me every single day that I can lean on, and talk to, and laugh with. I have found unconditional love and honesty and friendship, and that is something more valuable than I can properly put into words because… Well, while things are bad, I know that I’m not alone anymore. I’m not that person anymore that used to stand in a room full of people and feel like I was still completely isolated. I’m still terrified. I’d still like nothing more than to be able to have a good cry, but I don’t have to face that alone anymore. Even just knowing that there are people who will stand beside me and not run away at the first sign of rain makes me feel so much better. Just keep going, just keep going…
PS: Fuck cancer. Fuck. Cancer.
[Body][Signature]Alice v. 2.1
[Skin][[ session ]]Astrid (tone 2)
[Lips][Izzie’s]Lipgloss (LeLutka Evo. HD)
[Hair][adoness]Hairbase applier (basic)
For Ember’s outfit, see this post.
[IV Stand][P.O.E.]from Hospital Kit A
[Tune][Ruelle – I Get to Love You]