Blogging · cynful · SL Survival Guide

54. How to… reclaim yourself.

There comes a point in time when you have to admit to yourself that something somewhere has gone horribly wrong and you can no longer pull the metaphorical blanket over your head like you did when you were a little kid scared a monster would come out of the closet. That worked when you were five, but it doesn’t work in adult land, regardless of whether we’re talking about RL or SL. You can hold on tightly to that metaphorical blanket, but no matter how long you sit there staring at the darkness under your covers, your problems aren’t just going to go away with the sunrise.

I’ve been doing that for far too long, especially in SL, hoping that things would change and the sunlight would peek out from behind the clouds and everything would make sense. But it was only recently – as you’ll know if you’ve been reading this blog – that I realized that, no matter how I slice it, I’ve managed to get myself a raw deal. I’m not a bad person. I don’t like drama, and it causes me actual pain when the people around me are hurting. To that end, I’ve spent the last several years trying to play the role of band-aid. Avoiding certain places, certain people, certain things to ensure that the seas remained calm and the skies remained clear and – to my point because I hate conflict – that I didn’t have to deal with the backlash of any of my actions, be they real or imaginary.

But, as you know, I recently came to the realization that… well, that sucks. It’s lonelier than I can even begin to put into words, and if I’m completely honest with myself, I’ve put myself on auto-pilot more than once in hopes that I can ride out the metaphorical storm and that at some point, someone would actually notice me with my dingy little raft half-swallowed by the waves and throw me a lifesaver. Being that SL is, sadly, one of my main venues for socialization right now, I kept holding my breath because I figured, “hey, for crying out loud, I’m here and someone is bound to notice. I just need to hold on to the sinking ship a little bit longer and everything will be fine.”

And I guess some people did notice, and they took advantage of what they knew or thought they knew about me, and I got hurt. But I can’t dwell on it for too long. I won’t talk about it beyond this post, because doing so would give those people more power over my universe than they are allowed to have.

The thing is, when you care about someone, when you claim to actually give a shit about someone, that love should not be subject to conditions. There shouldn’t be a clause that says, “only valid when you’re having a good day” or “only applicable when caring about you is convenient to me.”

But that’s what I’ve had. That, and people pretending to be people they are not to get close to me. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised, as I’ve learned from both worlds that the more you let people in, the easier it is for them to hurt you. I’ve been a time-filler. An “experiment” (not my words), a friend-when-convenient, hurt for the sake of being hurt because there is really no good reason for any of that. And I won’t say I’m perfect. No one is… but I also know I’d never treat anyone like that. I’d never say or do anything that I wouldn’t say or do right in front of the other person, because that makes no sense.

And you know what? Despite all of that, despite the way my chest tightens when I think about meeting new people now, I still let people in… because I’ve also discovered that not all of them are like that monster in the closet. Not all of them will disappear when the sun comes up, or leave me treading water when I’m no longer convenient. When it’s no longer necessary to put on some kind of show.

But that’s okay. It hurts, but it’s okay. Because as of today, I am reclaiming me. As of the end of this post, those people will no longer have influence over my universe, because I am physically sick and tired of lending my light to others and letting my own star burn out. I’m exhausted. And that’s not fair. In the past, I’ve been the type to relent, to stop doing things I want to do and talking to people and experiencing things in the interest of protecting someone else’s feelings. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I realized as I’ve connected with some new people that I was actually jumping out of my own raft for the sake of someone else.

Well, I’m done drowning myself to save someone else… and if you’re in a situation like this, you should be, too. There’s no benefit to it. People who will do these sorts of things will just keep doing them because you let them, until you’re so exhausted that you can’t function anymore. That type of usury and blatant narcissism isn’t going to change. You can’t fix it, and you can’t save them. It’s entirely likely that they don’t even notice, or worse, care. You will literally drown trying. I’m done with that. No more treading water hoping things will change. I deserve to be happy, too… and I can’t do that with people who are going to attach cement blocks to my feet and pat themselves on the back as I sink.

I’m just sayin’.

Today is a brand new day.

Credits:

Shape][Divine Transformations]Nova Shape **custom**
[Head][LeLUTKA]Simone v. 3.4
[Body][Belleza]Freya 5.0
[Hair][DouxDubai Event]Ubert
[Skin][The Skinnery]Paris (Toffee)
[Lips][Izzie’s]Matte Love Lipstick
[Dress][Cynful @ FaMESHed]Chain T-Dress

[Pose][Del May Poses]Double take you

[Location][Authors Point]

[Tune][Vertical Horizon – Grey Sky Morning (The Best I Ever Had)]

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