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18. How to…confront those demons

One of the hardest things about trying to come out of my shell this year and step away from those things in my past that have managed to dig their claws in so deep is that they’re still there. They’re still there, so the temptation in both worlds to simply take a deep breath and continue nodding my head and smiling for the sake of keeping the peace is still there, too, just festering. I don’t like conflict, so this is just my natural response. I know the toxic things are toxic, but if I handle them with gloves on, I can still manage without making too many ripples in the water, right?

Nope. That’s not how this works. Remember the spoons? See, the more I look at it, the more I realize that I’m not doing myself any favors by continuing to be that person. It might benefit other people, but it’s not doing a thing for me except making me take a little bit longer to prep for my day, because it takes extra energy to continually confront these sorts of things and still manage to come out unscathed. I’ve been doing that to myself for years, largely for the sake of other people. And I know that part of that is the PTSD issue. Confronting the thing is a huge, scary ordeal that will inevitably end with some sort of conflict and conflict is bad and conflict does nothing but create more of the exact thing I’m trying to avoid…

Talk about some bullshit, right? But that’s how my brain works. It’s this vicious cycle, and I feel like I’m literally going around in circles sometimes. Yep. Seen this before, and know what will happen, but here we go again.

It was recently suggested to me that I keep people at bay on purpose. I was, in no uncertain terms, called a snob. And here’s the thing that hurt the worst about that shit conversation: I agreed with part of it. Someone was dressing me down, and I agreed with part of what they were saying. I don’t think I’m a snob…but I do think that sometimes, I keep people at bay on purpose. Sure do. There’s so many reasons, too. Far beyond the fact that I worry about who I talk to and who might be pissed off if I talk to them, or whether or not I’m going to say the wrong thing because I literally have no idea what to say sometimes.

See, for years when I first got here, I super!clicked with someone I met in Gor (don’t laugh) and we were literally inseparable. I took her collar and literally followed her everywhere. I would have done anything she said at that point because she made me so damn happy and it was so nice to be seen and be so cared for and even bragged about. She would literally brag about me, guys. Like, it was seventh heaven. I didn’t even bat an eyelash when almost two years in she basically started spending all of her time on her alt. I just accepted it, and the alt became the main, and she had an owner of her own, but I didn’t care about any of that as long as I still had my place. But then things changed. And it wasn’t like this gradual, plenty-of-time-to-prepare-yourself change either. It was sudden and jarring, after years of talking to her every day and spending every waking moment at her side, and on top of that, it was smack-dab in the middle of the beginning of the actual implosion of my real life.

I was fucking devastated, guys. It took me over a year to bother speaking with much of anyone else besides a friend or two because I couldn’t log in without seeing her, hearing about her, or having to confront someone that she assured me I had disappointed or pissed off in those final days. I eventually learned that it was all bullshit, likely invented to give her reason to do what she did, but the damage was done. I was already deep inside this hole of self-loathing and questioning every discussion I had and every decision I’d made and whether or not I was worthy of anyone.

Eventually, I met Master Leylan and his girls, and they showed me different. I felt so at ease with them, and that was great. I think I’ve bragged about his fabulousness in previous posts, but he’s a good man, and while we’re still good friends, that didn’t last, either. So, I licked my wounds and I decided after a while I’d try to meet someone else because being lonely sucks, but by this point I didn’t trust myself to judge people properly and I had no idea what to do. So I found myself with Cay and Nala, and they were pretty fabulous, but I began to get the feeling that family members were jealous of our time and was told as much on a few occasions, and even though I thought things were going great, I didn’t want to be this huge wedge and create problems, so I backed away.

I found my new home at Xaara and met some wonderful people, but I’ve been content to sit in the background. Then, last year, someone actually noticed me, guys. And not like, “hey, your avi is hot. Let’s go do kinky stuff.” Like, actually noticed me and engaged me in conversation and cared about what I had to say and made me feel like I actually mattered. And it was so nice, and I fell for it so quick. I say ‘fell for it’ because it turns out that this wonderful person was actually an alt of a (taken) friend of mine whom was always very nice to me, got me more involved in the sim, etc. I considered him both a friend and a mentor of sorts, and had told him as much. So it was a blow to the gut to realize that this person who was showing me such attention was nothing more than an alt of a friend I knew shouldn’t be doing such things. I felt pretty dirty about it, and I’ve kinda retreated back into my cave since.

So yeah, I do keep people at bay. And I guess it is on purpose. But I’m working on battling those demons. I’m working on reconciling that little voice in my head that tells me that I can’t do anything right or I’m going to piss someone off if I do x or y, and I’ve worked really hard the last couple of months to re-train myself to focus on me a little more and stop listening to that shitty little voice or anyone else’s who wants to knock me down a peg, and to focus on the positives instead. To build myself back up again. Because you know what?

It’s really lonely.

And when you can be surrounded by people and still feel completely invisible, that’s when it’s gotten itself into your bones. And it sucks. And I don’t deserve to feel that way or be made to feel that way. I deserve happiness just as much as the next person, and it’s taken a long ass time and some new friends to help me realize it.

Credits:

[Shape][Divine Transformations]Nova Shape **custom**
[Head][LeLUTKA]Simone v. 3.4
[Body][Belleza]Freya 5.0
[Hair][Tram]I1126b hair (Hud C)
[Skin][The Skinnery]Paris (Toffee)
[Lips][Izzie’s]Matte Love Lipstick
[Top][Vinyl]Bulow tee (hot pink – graphic)
[Heels][Glamistry]Heels PF1042
[Body Jewelry][Cynful]Mina Piercings (legs, collarbone)

[Chair][Trompe Loeil]Ashdon Chair w/ Blanket
[Jeans][Steffy’s Special Things]laundry-pants-crumpled-lying[…]
[Backdrop][WeArH0uSE]then backdrop

[Tune][Adam Lambert – Ghost Town]

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